(2023-11-12) Cutler Tbm254 Selfgaslighting And The Doubt Loop

John Cutler: TBM 254: Self-Gaslighting and the Doubt Loop. Many of the dynamics we deal with at work are not overtly toxic or unhealthy. We know people mean well and do their best, even when nerves fray and things don't pan out. However, left unchecked, these situations (and how you respond to them) erode your sense of self-worth and sap your self-awareness. They can ultimately be even more damaging than acute toxic situations.

It's easy to beat yourself up. "If only" we could be stronger, have better control of our emotions, understand people better, lead better, make fewer excuses, show up better, manage up better, or have a better presence, we can be better. There's always a way—just set goals, be your authentic self (but don't show your fear or your too-quirky side), lean in (but not too far), and make it happen. (high agency)

At a certain point, you start to doubt your overall ability. Maybe I deserve this situation? Maybe anywhere that would hire me is like this?

Before you know it, your options are limited, and your career narrative becomes a self-reinforcing loop of stagnation and self-doubt. You can get to the point where nothing feels real, and you're self-gaslighting

But you have to remember, some things are real. You cannot forget that.

I’m not talking about building a thick skin, accepting crap, or figuring out how to "become numb to situations because not caring gets you ahead." Rather, I'm pointing out that if we can find a way to 1) show up as we want to show up and 2) learn how to divert that energy somehow (in a way we feel good about), we can preserve more energy to make sure our needs are met. This is also an objective ground truth.

Another truth from interacting with many people at different companies and levels is that the people you are dealing with are overwhelmed, experiencing high cognitive load, and not necessarily operating at their best.

the same people telling you to step up, arrive with solutions, not problems, deal with ambiguity, and be more strategic are being told those things by their managers.

If you're struggling with self-gaslighting, perhaps work through these questions and reflect. Change Your Organization