(2024-05-05) From Doomscrolling To Sex Being A Boy In2024

From doomscrolling to sex: being a boy in 2024. It was two separate conversations that made me think properly about what life might be like as a boy these days.

Conversations about sex, consent and false allegations became the focus for one of the five programmes I ended up making for a BBC Radio 4 series, About the Boys, which aired last week. The other episodes cover life online, pornography, friendships, education, and ideas of masculinity and success. (teen mental health)

Before I set off, I spoke to experts who have researched boys for years. One of those I interviewed, Dr Niobe Way, had written a book (Deep Secrets) about teenage boys and friendship.

I was amazed at the openness, thoughtfulness, honesty and vulnerability the boys showed. Some of them confessed they’d never thought, before I asked, about “what it means to be a man” or what they would want listeners to know about being a boy in 2024. Once I did ask, they were so willing to talk. “People think boys are bratty, spoiled, disgusting … and rude, as well,” one told me. “It’s all not true.”

The boys I met were all aged between 13 and 19, with an honourable exception for a group of adorable primary school boys who sang for me

The older boys talked about the patriarchy being a bad thing for boys as well as girls, and their concerns about male mental health: “80% of suicides are men”.

They told me that oral sex was more common at year 11 parties than any other kind of sex

Many were angry that the adults in their lives dodged uncomfortable conversations about sex, including “what to do and where everything even is”, and others confirmed what I already knew: that the fear of getting accused of assault puts them off the whole idea completely. “Even if they do consent, what am I gonna do if they say ‘nah’ right after?”

As a radio producer, editing different episodes, I found it impossible to segregate and separate the topics

The boys were all too aware of the way that pornographic content seeps into almost every place they visit on the internet.

I found it heartbreaking to hear the way boys from all corners of the UK described trying to live in a digital world without being constantly sucked into a doomscrolling vortex on their phones at home, alone. One boy from Herefordshire shared his total hours online over the Christmas holidays: 40 a week. (social media)

data backs up the stories. Boys are retreating from the real world and have been ever since video games were invented in the 1970s

Zach Rausch, a research scientist at NYU-Stern, explained how studies show that in order to play together, boys say they need to be physically separate: in their own rooms with their own screens

Those who had found close IRL (in real life) friendships were usually older teen, who had navigated the tricky waters of secondary school friendship hierarchies, where your status can be directly connected to “your ability to get girls”.

the boys all kept coming back to feelings. “They don’t think we are soft inside,” one said. “It’s hard to open up as a boy.” Ideas of what it means to be a man, how to start a relationship, keep a friendship, be successful or get on well at school, were all tangled up with old ideas of being “stone-faced” and “manning up” and newer ideas of being “emotionally expressive and vulnerable”.

The boys I spoke to were all so warm and thoughtful and frank. But I am not naive. I met them all in settings where at least one adult in their life is invested in them and is making an effort to get to know and support them – whether that’s a teacher, youth leader or coach. It’s harder to reach boys who lack any cheerleaders at all.