Reframe Your Brain: The User Interface for Happiness and Success - Scott Adams

Partial Excerpts (antilibrary)

Introduction:  The Dog Walking Reframe

One day, I saw an Instagram video in which a self-designated dog expert explained that dogs might need the sniffing more than the walking. Their brains light up when they sniff

I reframed my experience this way. Usual Frame: Taking the dog for a walk and failing.
Reframe: Taking the dog for a sniff and succeeding. That reframe completely changed my subjective experience. Instead of failing at walking, I was succeeding at being a sniff-assistant

But then I had a new problem. Standing around holding a leash is boring compared to walking. It’s boring compared to most things. But then I reframed my boredom this way. Usual Frame: I have nothing to do. I am just standing here.
Reframe: Perfect time to practice proper breathing and posture. Now I spend twenty minutes a day enjoying the outdoors while breathing properly and practicing my posture.

Maybe you check your phone, but that probably isn’t as useful as it is anxiety-making. As you can tell from the Snickers story, I found a way to turn all mindless waiting time into one of the most productive parts of my day using the good-time-to-breathe reframe. Usual Frame: I am waiting in line, which is a waste of time.
Reframe: I have time to breathe properly.

I recommend trying the breathing method described by Dr. Andrew Huberman. This involves two sharp inhales through your nose, one after another, followed by a long exhale through your mouth

Now any boredom I experience from waiting—for anything—reminds me that it’s a perfect time to work on my mental and physical health

An Odd Story

In the spring of 2022, I cured the common sneeze

the kind you feel building up

if I did a pretend sneeze, it somehow deactivated the real one.

You can simply imagine sneezing. I tried that next. That worked, too!

I tell you the sneeze story to demonstrate how much power our thoughts have over our bodies. And more importantly, how quickly those thoughts can work their magic. It can happen in seconds.

late summer of 2022, I saw a message on X claiming a video I had created in 2020 to reduce anxiety—using only reframing and hypnosis—had cured someone’s daughter of debilitating anxiety

If the commenters were right, I had “cured” dozens—maybe hundreds—of people of a lifetime of anxiety.

I’ll include in this book in text form the reframes I used in the anxiety cure video so you can try them out yourself

this reframe has helped hundreds—perhaps thousands—of people stop drinking alcohol

I invented this reframe in 2013 for my book How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big

that reframe will work on some (smallish) percentage of readers

Reframes don’t try to be “true” in a technical or philosophical sense.
Reframes don’t even need to be rational or logical. We judge reframes by how well they work

You simply need to focus and repeat the reframe in your head long enough for the hack to work.

I have repeated the reframe so many times it has become my truth in this subjective reality in which we live

Reframes Are Safe

The Technique

Any reframes that don’t seem relevant to you will be soon forgotten, but a few are likely to become sticky in your mind. That stickiness is all you need. It creates focus and repetition

As a rule, the reframes you need will probably be sticky from the first exposure. The reframes you don’t need will rapidly fade from memory

Reframes You Already Know

Are any of these familiar? In chaos there is opportunity. It’s darkest before the dawn.*

not the point of “the customer is always right.” It is not meant to be literally, universally true. It is meant to rewire your brain toward fixing problems instead of debating them

Chapter 1: How to Reprogram Your Brain

You only need three things, and one of them is optional: Focus
Repetition
Emotion (fear, happiness, hate, love, passion, etc.)

Focus and repetition move an idea (or reframe) from conceptual to physical, meaning physical changes in your brain structure.

To add emotion to the reframe, think about what accomplishment this new strength will help you achieve. Do you need to gather strength to demand a raise or to win a competition? Focus on an emotionally powerful endpoint and imagine it often. That emotional energy will make the reframe burrow into your mind faster

Reframes are easy to learn, easy to remember, often influential, and portable—which makes them easier to share, post, text, and embroider on a pillow

Because reframes are quick and easy to learn, I packed more than 160 of them in this book, which raises the odds that at least one of them will change your life

Chapter 2: Success Reframes

humans are bad at predicting their own success

Usual Frame: My odds of success are low.
Reframe: Maybe I’m bad at estimating the odds. Once you realize you’re terrible at estimating the odds of your own success, you’re free to try things you might otherwise not consider*

This book, for example, is one of several projects I will have worked on this year. I might try adding an interview feature on my YouTube channel. Recently, I began testing my own funny-but-useful cooking show for people who don’t know anything about at-home meal prep. I’ll test several content ideas to see what catches on. A year from now, I’m sure I’ll be able to say I tested ten different content ideas

Usual Frame: I fail at 90 percent of the things I try.
Reframe: I only need to succeed 10 percent of the time.

Wanting Versus Deciding

If you want something, you might be willing to work hard to get it within reason. But if you decide to have something, you will do whatever it takes. Usual Frame: I want to do (something).
Reframe: I have decided to do (something).

The efforts that failed were all ones I wanted to succeed. And I worked hard to try to make them succeed

stands out about that initial Dilbert success: I didn’t want to be a successful cartoonist; I decided to be one

By the end of the first year of selling Dilbert comics to newspapers, only a few small newspapers were carrying the strip. At that point, seeing no hope of a big hit, the salespeople moved on to the next comic that was being launched. If Dilbert was going to succeed, I would need to make it happen on my own. And so, I worked my day job while also writing and promoting the Dilbert comic for several years. I

On paper, my workload from those years looks impossible. If I had merely wanted to succeed, I don’t think I could have lasted. But I didn’t merely want to succeed, I decided to succeed. And once you decide, the psychology of the situation changes. My crushing workload felt like a privilege.

Managing Energy Instead of Time

Nearly every one of those comics was written before 9:00 AM

I have exactly the right kind of energy for coffee-fueled creative writing in the morning. But a caffeine buzz is exactly the wrong kind of energy for drawing comics, as that requires a more relaxed vibe.

I can produce more in fifteen minutes with the right energy than four hours with the wrong energy.

The same holds for exercise. I have the right energy for exercise at about noon each day. So that’s when I do it.

The secret to managing energy as opposed to time is to gain as much control as you can over your own schedule. If you have a boss, you might not have options about when you do what

Freedom is a good tiebreaker for decisions with unpredictable outcomes. (The other good tiebreaker is how much you will learn in one situation versus the other.)

When you manage energy instead of time, you might not get around to all the tasks that need to get done. The solution to that: Don’t do those tasks. At least not today

The least-important 20 percent of your tasks are unlikely to have made a difference in your life. Let them go.

so it goes with most decisions in life—one path energizes you more than the other, no matter how they stack up in other dimensions.

Knowing What Your Job Is

a CEO shared with me his approach to business. He viewed his career as a non-stop search for a better job and because of that changed jobs and companies often.

The reframe reminds us to be in continuous job-search mode, including on the first day of work at a new job.

Your employer’s job is to take care of the shareholders. It’s your job to take care of you. That doesn’t always mean acting selfishly. If being generous with your time and energy seems as if it will have the better long-term payoff, do that.

For example, if you’re offered a choice of two different projects at work, pick the one that teaches you a valuable skill, lets you show off what you can do, or lets you network with people who can help you later. Don’t make the mistake of picking the project that has the most value to the company if doing so has the least value to you.

Boredom

Boredom is an underappreciated asset for success

Life rewards action over inaction, and boredom is exactly the kind of mental state people need to organically trigger them into acting.

When you’re bored with life and directionless, the fastest way out is to ramp up your risk of embarrassment

The simplest way to embarrass yourself is by trying to do something you know you don’t do well . . . in front of witnesses

If you’re looking to advance your career, this is the time to scare the bejeezus out of yourself by asking for a raise that is so aggressive you worry your boss will either laugh or fire you on the spot.

If I haven’t yet persuaded you to take on more risk of embarrassment, here’s another reframe. Usual Frame: Embarrassment is something to be avoided.
Reframe: Embarrassment is an investment.

Learning to laugh at your own embarrassments is one of the most useful skills a person can develop

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is an illusion your brain generates to explain a discrepancy between who you think you are and how you act

it takes almost no energy to hallucinate that your dumb actions were really brilliance in disguise

On social media

once you learn to spot cognitive dissonance, you realize it explains about 60 percent of all the “crazy” opinions you see.

Usual Frame: Being wrong is embarrassing and should be avoided.  Reframe: Fear of embarrassment forces you to be wrong

imagine if you were never embarrassed in life, about anything. If you were wrong about something, you would simply say so and never fret about it again

I repurpose my “mistakes” into content for my daily livestream shows, which makes me more relatable to the audience. They also create a learning opportunity. Why was I wrong?

if you can, for example, cultivate a reputation that can handle being spectacularly wrong without offending your sense of self, do that. It will make you the only person in the room who can see the whole field

My final note on this is that I have never seen anyone get talked out of cognitive dissonance. The best you can do is put a crack in the wall and hope that someday makes it easier for the sufferer to break out on their own

How to Start Something Big

Usual Frame: The effort is so big and daunting I can’t even start.
Reframe: What’s the smallest thing I can do that moves me in the right direction?

I treat the real world as if it’s that kind of video game—by starting journeys without knowing how I’ll get the fuel to complete them

how I trick myself into succeeding. It’s a two-step scheme: Step 1: Forget how unpleasant it is to write a book. Step 2: Take the first tiny step of writing a new book and see what happens.*

The summary of my creative process looks like this:  Take a tiny step, look for fuel. Take another step, look for more fuel. Keep going until you are done.

Systems Versus Goals

Usual Frame: Success requires setting goals.
Reframe: Systems are better than goals

Some people conflate systems with “practice,”

The best systems give you many options. Ordinary “practice” might be preparing you for exactly one thing, which may be the right thing to do (or not). So practice alone is not nearly as useful as a system that prepares you for multiple opportunities

A few examples

Getting a college education is a system because it gives you multiple career options

Learning to be a plumber might be a great career path, but it isn’t an ideal system because it limits you to that one profession

I would advise them either to learn business skills to grow by hiring employees, or to acquire other trade skills with the long-term goal of being a general contractor.

A big downside of long-term goals without systems is that every day you do not meet the goal, you are in a mental state of something like failure. But when you have a system, you can feel success every day.

Goals are not worthless. They come in handy for any situation in which the objective is clear and there are no just-as-good options.

Talent Stacks

A talent stack is a collection of skills that work well together to make you valuable and rare in a wide variety of ways

Usual Frame: Focus on being excellent at a skill that has commercial value.
Reframe: Acquire skills that work well together and make you rare and flexible at the same time.

The simplest example of building a talent stack that meets my specs is adding public speaking skills to any big-company job

If you also add effective listening skills, business writing, contract negotiation, and some people skills, not much can stop you. And you could learn that entire stack of skills in a month without breaking a sweat.

Burdens and Puzzles

reframing my current burden as a puzzle in need of a solution

Usual Frame: Another problem! Why me??? Reframe: Ooh, a new puzzle to solve. Amazingly, this absurd little reframe almost instantly makes me feel less bothered by my problems*

I also recommend gamifying your repetitive tasks such as folding laundry, straightening up the house, or making the bed. You do this by treating the “skill” involved as a serious endeavor. For example, I can fold a bath towel so quickly and capably I feel like a circus performer.

Humans evolved to be happier when moving and doing. Household chores satisfy that need, and with a little gamification, they can be sources of dopamine

Usual Frame: Ugh, I hate this repetitive chore.
Reframe: I can do this chore so gracefully and efficiently it feels like a game

Passion

Usual Frame: Passion is the key to success.
Reframe: Passion is nice but not required

In my experience, success is most related to your systems, your talent stack, and your ability to go where the energy already is

Making Something out of Nothing

Usual Frame: It takes money to make money.
Reframe: I can turn energy into money.

I mean working on yourself until others see you as money. Here are some methods for doing just that.

Reciprocity

If you can find a way to provide value to someone at a low or reasonable cost to yourself, you can create an asset out of “nothing.”

Do a favor for someone who has access to many resources, someone who hires people, or someone who knows a lot of people, and your odds of someday getting something tangible in return are good

Usual Frame: Don’t give something for nothing.
Reframe: Giving triggers reciprocity (on average).

*Give More Than Expected *

If I could only give you one piece of career advice, it would be to always give more than is expected of you. When you do that, you instantly stand out as a person of character

Usual Frame: Do your job.
Reframe: Do more than your job

Networking

Networking doesn’t guarantee success, but it is by far the strongest way to create something from nothing. You might need to work on your social skills before tackling this. I always recommend the Dale Carnegie courses for that. You can probably find a local class

Usual Frame: Success depends on who you know.
Reframe: Success depends on how many people you know.

Working Late

If you have bosses, make sure those bosses see you at work when they arrive and see you still working when they leave. This is especially important for a first impression

five minutes

Usual Frame: Your hard work will be rewarded.
Reframe: The illusion of hard work will be rewarded.

Taking Initiative

Usual Frame: Do what you are told.
Reframe: Do what you are NOT told but maybe someone should have

Continuous Learning

Learning isn’t free, but it can be close to free if your employer pays for career-advancing classes or if you learn on your own online

Usual Frame: Learn what you need.
Reframe: Learn continuously, especially skills that work well together

Honesty

do the right thing when there are no witnesses

Fitness

Fitness is one of the most controllable variables for success, so control it completely

Get in shape and you will see the difference in how people treat you. When you feel strong and healthy, you can take on bigger challenges, too.

Fitness, sleep, and diet are all power boosters if you do them right

Be Dependable

Binary Thinking

the Prison of Two Ideas

Often the best you can do is create friction to reduce some behaviors while adding incentives to increase other behaviors

Usual Frame: A plan will either work or not Reframe: Friction and incentives always work. We just don’t know how well until they are tested

Planning

Usual Frame: Measure twice, cut once.
Reframe: Just start. See if you can figure it out as you go.

The universe rewards action over inaction

The exception is when you need to invest more money than you can afford to lose or take some other drastic risk

Schoolwork

Luck: Reversing a Losing Streak

Usual Frame: The universe is acting against me.
Reframe: The universe owes me.

The strange thing about feeling lucky or unlucky is that your experience so often matches your expectations

affirmations

Your loved ones probably noticed the change and liked it

this is a “can’t lose” reframe

Don’t make the mistake of sitting on the couch waiting for luck to hunt you down. Luck needs you to do your part, and that generally looks like this: Work on your fitness and health. Build your talent stack. Meet more people. Go where there is more energy. Create systems for your success*

You can control the heck out of luck. I do it all the time. It involves moving from a place in which luck can’t find you to a place where it can.

The first rule of luck is that you need to “do something” to have a chance of luck noticing you

Closely related to that rule is the recommendation that you go where the energy is highest, i.e., a densely populated place rather than a rural area. You want commerce and life in general to be bustling around you. That gives you your highest odds of something lucky happening

Usual Frame: Luck is random and can’t be managed.
Reframe: You can go where there is more luck (more energy).

Usual Frame: I am unusually unlucky this happened to me.
Reframe: Everyone has problems. No exceptions

Fairness

Usual Frame: Things should be fair. (me) Reframe: Life isn’t fair. (Mom)

The existence of so-called unfairness means you can (usually) find situations in which the unfairness is in your favor. Be strategic

Usual Frame: Fairness is a desirable social goal.
Reframe: Fairness is the enemy of success

Creativity

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep

Usual Frame: Avoid mistakes in your art.
Reframe: Invite mistakes into your art and keep the “good ones.”

I identify the good ones by how they make me feel. I ignore the ideas that have intellectual appeal but don’t register in my body

you don’t need to summon ideas; you only need to tell your brain what problem you are trying to solve, then watch the ideas flow past (WorkingQuestions)

Usual Frame: I need to come up with a good idea.
Reframe: I need to release all my bad ideas as quickly as possible

Impostor Syndrome

Usual Frame: You feel like a fraud. Everyone else is competent.
Reframe: You are learning fast. Look at all you learned!

Everyone is faking it (at least some of the time).

Usual Frame: I feel like an impostor at my job.
Reframe: Everyone is an impostor

Dopamine Faucet

You probably know dopamine is a chemical in your body associated with making you feel good. But you might not know it’s essential to making you physically move

Another way to look at dopamine is that it is the “currency” your body uses to transact business

prescription for what to do if you find yourself low on motivation, energy, or enjoyment of life: Go get yourself some dopamine

we evolved to reward ourselves with a hit of dopamine when we complete meaningful tasks

According to Dr. Andrew Huberman, you can hack your dopamine reward system by reframing your work today as essential to the kind of future you want

My best example of systems over goals is my gym-going habit. About five times a year, the following scenario plays out: I put on my workout clothes, drive across town to my gym, realize I don’t have it in me that day, then head home without exercising. But I declare success

Usual Frame: Your mood is determined by your internal thoughts.
Reframe: You can improve your mood by completing meaningful tasks.

Managing Versus Reacting

I mean managing any part of your life, from fitness to income to employees if you have them.

Usual Frame: Whatever managers do is managing.
Reframe: If you are not measuring, you are not managing

Are you trying to get more fit? Count the number of times you make it to the gym each week.

Art

art is subjective. The only objective measure of art is commercial appeal. If people want to pay for it, that’s good art. Everything else is just opinion

Usual Frame: Some art is good, and some is bad.
Reframe: If there is a market for the art, it is good art.

How to Spot a Winner

The most reliable way to spot a future winner is when people volunteer to extend or modify your product on their own

The Bad Version

a product that is terrible yet popular as soon as it is released (Compelling)

In the artistic world, the first season of The Simpsons had low production values

Writer’s Block

I didn’t overcome writer’s block; I reframed it out of my existence

a few reframes that have benefited my career. Here’s the first one. Usual Frame: I can’t think of anything to write.
Reframe 1: I’m in the wrong environment for writing.

If I were sitting on my couch trying to write this chapter, I would be shooting blanks. My cute dog would be pestering me, my refrigerator would be whistling my name

I am now writing as quickly as I can type while sitting in the snack bar of my health club. I am surrounded by noisy toddlers, chatty diners, a TV, and every manner of gym noise and distraction, also known as “perfect for writing.” Weird, right? Seems the opposite of common sense, but science and experience confirm that the best environments for writing are where you can actively ignore the people around you

I can’t guarantee that writing in public places will be better for everyone, but I strongly recommend experimenting to see if it works for you. If not, keep searching

In a similar vein, you also need to find the time of day when your brain is naturally creative. For me, that time is 4:00-10:00 AM, which is not unusual for writers. We tend to write best after midnight and before noon

Usual Frame: I have writer’s block.
Reframe 2: I’m trying to write at the wrong time of day

Writing Something Bad

If you can’t think of anything good to write, never leave the page blank. The better alternative is to create something bad and see if you can fix it.

And if you can’t fix it, maybe another idea will hit you while you try because life rewards action

Usual Frame: I can’t think of anything good to write.
Reframe 3: I can write something bad and fix it.

Next, I apply these filters to my new sentence:

*Is It a Direct Sentence? *

Too Many Adjectives?

Nuke the Adverbs

Write at a Sixth-Grade Level

How to Get Those Bullet Points

I don’t recommend sitting in front of a blank page

Most of my writing happens when I am taking a walk, folding laundry, getting in the shower, or enjoying the luxury of my Man Cave (my garage).

Funny Words

For example, if your sentence said you took a quick detour to avoid trouble, you might instead say you “scampered away” or “took a hasty detour” to add some energy to the sentence

Words that have embedded intentions are often the funniest. That’s why the word yank is funnier than the word pull. Yank implies some anger or frustration. Pull is just a functional word. Language is full of lively, attitude-driven words you can use instead of dead words

For humor writing, you can saturate your sentences with interesting words. For business or professional writing, you might want to use one interesting word in an entire document. It will be noticed. In a good way

Use your Body as a Sensor

Strangle Your Babies

Writing as a System

Reframes in Business (The Bad Kind)

When a company renames a product or service, that can be more like a con artist preying on an unwilling mark

Chapter 3: Mental Health Reframes

Mental Health Reframes

Knowing Who You Are

I can think of at least four potential ways to describe who you are. Are you . . . Your inner thoughts? Your preferences? Your history? Your current actions?*

If you privately harbor negative or positive feelings about something in the world, you think that’s who you are. And that’s unfortunate because your secret inner thoughts are probably mostly terrible

Usual Frame: I am my inner thoughts.
Reframe: I am what I do.

You don’t have a core self. You are what you make of this life, meaning the sum of your actions

Usual Frame: Find yourself.
Reframe: Author yourself.

If you want to become a kind person, do kind acts. If you want to be capable and successful, build a talent stack, and so on

Judging People

You might think that privately judging people doesn’t hurt anyone

Well, there is a downside. The frame you use to judge others is likely to be the frame in which you come to see yourself, and worse, the way you imagine others see you. That can rot you from the inside.

To be clear, others ARE judging you. You are not imagining it. What I am suggesting is that their judgment about you isn’t important (even to them) and won’t affect you if you never buy into their frame in the first place

Usual Frame: Some people are good, and some are not.
Reframe: We’re all flawed, and we’re all good at different things

A healthy habit for staying out of the judging mindset involves gratitude. Appreciate the skills and qualities of the people you find the most annoying.

The Danger of Art

Usual Frame: Art is entertainment.
Reframe: Art is a powerful, mind-altering drug

I recommend removing from your life all art that makes you sad or anxious, even if it redeems itself with some sort of happy ending.

Handling Criticism

Usual Frame: Your critics are evil monsters.
Reframe: Your critics are your mascots

Reframing How Criticism Feels

Usual Frame: Criticism feels like a dagger to your heart.
Reframe: Criticism is a chemical reaction in the skull of someone who isn’t in the room

The Go Eat Fudge Philosophy

Usual Frame: You should do what I think you should do.
Reframe: Go eat fudge. (Spoken only in your mind.

The three-word mental dismissal doesn’t seem as if it would be helpful, but I can report that it was.

The essence of the reframe is that other people are not the authors of your experience

Movie Reframe

Usual Frame: Everyone is thinking about me.
Reframe: You are only a bit player in their movie

Social Media

for most people, social media is an addiction. They come for the dopamine hits, and if that has some long-term detrimental impact, it isn’t obvious enough or big enough to stop the addiction

Usual Frame: Social media is a form of entertainment.
Reframe: Social media is an addiction

social media “addiction” is not equivalent to drug, alcohol, or cigarette addiction. Substance addictions will not budge with reframes because addiction is outside mental control. Breaking a bad habit is easier. Social media is more like a bad habit than an addiction, but reframing it as an addiction is the stronger play for reprogramming your brain

Internet Insults

Usual Frame: An insult is damaging to my mental health.
Reframe: An insult is a confession that your accuser can’t refute your opinion and/or has personal problems of some sort

I’m also testing another reframe I borrowed from a Twitter follower that goes like this. Usual Frame: An insult hurts because it means someone dislikes or disrespects you.
Reframe: A stranger’s opinion of you—even if it gets published in The New York Times—is little more than their personal diary entry.

Germaphobe Reframe

Usual Frame: Germs will harm me.
Reframe: Germs make me stronger

Coldness

Usual Frame: Coldness is pain and a signal I am in danger.
Reframe: Coldness makes me healthier and stronger

If this reframe works for you, it might change your life in an unexpected way. You always knew reality had a subjective component, but it is hard to grasp how deep that subjectivity goes. If you learn to turn coldness into a positive experience with one reframe, you will—perhaps for the first time—understand your power to author your entire life.

Tragedy and Recovery

Usual Frame: Death is a tragedy, and I need to feel bad about it.
Reframe: The deceased has no more problems. How did I make this about me?

Usual Frame: Death is a tragedy.
Reframe: It is an honor to help another pass

Death and Afterlife

Usual Frame (for some people): Death is the end of this person.
Reframe: Energy can change form, but it never disappears

Who Controls Your Feelings

Usual Frame: My feelings are the result of my situation.
Reframe: How I feel is my choice.

*The first time I heard this reframe, it hit me as both ridiculous and powerful. I’ve since used it often to clear my mind of junk feelings. I simply told myself I could choose not to be bothered . . . and it worked. Or at least it took off the edge. *

Hate and Anger

Usual Frame: I hate someone who deserves it.
Reframe: Hate is nothing but punishing myself for the misdeeds of others

I realize I have accidentally made you think past the sale about hate and anger. I didn’t mean to imply you need to lose either of those things. Personally, I have found both to be empowering at different times. If a bully confronts you, some hate and anger might be exactly the fuel you need to balance out the situation.

both hate and anger can be superpowers if you learn how to harness their energy

Usual Frame: Hate and anger are toxic feelings you hope will wear off.
Reframe: Hate and anger are a superpower level of energy you can use for gain

Enduring Bad Things

life is full of suboptimal situations you can’t exactly “fix” for one reason or another. Or at least not quickly

Usual Frame: Why can’t my problems go away? Reframe: Everything has a right to exist, including this problem

Next time you have a problem that isn’t going away soon, just remind yourself that the problem has as much right to exist as you do.

don’t worry that it doesn’t make sense. Instead, ask yourself how it feels when you do it. You might be surprised by this one

Anxiety

Your Ego

embarrassments don’t last. And that makes it easy for me to ignore the next potential embarrassment.

Usual Frame: Your ego is “you,” and it must be protected.
Reframe: Your ego is your enemy

The reframe tells you what to do: Kill your ego. And to do that, you need to beat it to death with actual and potential embarrassments that have one important quality: They don’t have a huge downside

The ego reframe works best when you reinforce it with real-life experiences that keep your ego in check. I found the following strategies useful.

Develop a Skill

Take Some Chances

No one feels good when they also feel shame. That’s why it makes sense to reframe it out of your life.

Don’t try to avoid embarrassment. Invite it. You’ll get some good stories out of it, and each mini-shame toughens you up for the next one

Usual Frame: Avoid embarrassment.
Reframe: Invite embarrassment and use it as a club to kill your ego.

Usual Frame: I am a priceless work of art that must be protected.
Reframe: I am a potato that is easily replaced. Be the potato.*

Worry Versus Curiosity

Usual Frame: I worry something will go wrong.
Reframe: I’m curious what will happen

You can quickly gamify (turn into fun) the ambiguity of the future. Just keep telling yourself it will be interesting, and you can’t wait to find out what will happen

What You Can Control

Usual Frame: Worry about all potential bad outcomes.
Reframe: Control the heck out of things you can control. Accept all outcomes.

The cleanest example of “doing all you can do” involves your physical fitness. Let’s say you are worried about your ability to attract a mate, get a job, or be healthy in general. If you get serious about your fitness and do everything you can reasonably do to make it better, you’ll feel a lot better even as you hit rough patches in your life. Fitness is a gift that keeps giving. It touches all aspects of your life. And it is highly controllable. So control the heck out of it and see how much better you feel. Same argument with diet. Eating right and exercising are not easy. But they are 100 percent available to all interested takers

History Is Imaginary

Usual Frame: History is important.
Reframe: History doesn’t exist

The Virtual Reality Reframe

The point of this reframe is to bring you into the present. And that’s all you need. You are only trying to break the mental loop you’re in. Any distraction will do, but this one you can do anywhere and anytime.

Usual Frame: Reality is exactly what you see and feel.
Reframe: Imagine the objects around you as virtual objects.

The Death Bed Reframe

Usual Frame: My stress and anxiety are caused by events in my life.
Reframe: I won’t care about any of those events on my deathbed.

Usual Frame: I am in pain.
Reframe: I am in pain for a minute.

The View from Space

Usual Frame: You are the center of your universe and the highest priority.
Reframe: Viewed from space, everything looks small, including your problems

Mental Shelf Space

Usual Frame: You need to stop thinking negative thoughts.
Reframe: You can’t subtract negative thoughts. But you can crowd them out.

bury it with new thoughts and experiences. Fill your shelf-space. Make yourself busy. It works

learning a musical instrument takes up so much brain power, I crowd out any competing thoughts while I practice.

When I go to bed, I direct my thoughts toward wonderful things that happened to me recently as well as to incredible things I fantasize about happening later

Philosophy Reframes

Use it to get moving on something you want to do but worry is holding you back. Usual Frame: I’m afraid to do the thing I know I should do.
Reframe: Life is short.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

hypnotists and psychologists know people can be persuaded—and thus their brains rewired—by anything that feels like a reason no matter how nonsensical it is. As a hypnotist, I know how powerful nonsense “reasons” can be. In this book, I call any nonsense reason a “fake because.” They work best when the subject wants the life change suggested by the fake reason

*If you have OCD and want to test the method I’m describing, simply invent a fake reason for why you can discontinue your unwanted thoughts and activities, then repeat that fake reason to yourself every time you need it. *

Usual Frame: I must do this pattern of behavior or else something bad will happen.
Reframe: I no longer need to do the behavior because less is more. “Less is more” is a nonsense reason in this context. But it sounds like a reason and feels like a reason probably because most of us have heard that phrase in situations where it made sense*

In business meetings, my experience is that those three words—less is more—make everyone in the room nod in silent agreement because it sounds like something Buddha would say. “Less is more” is a powerful bit of programming code that makes everything it touches seem persuasive. Use that to your advantage

Social Event Anxiety

The first reframe is the most important. Usual Frame: Confidence is something you’re born with.
Reframe: Confidence is something you learn

Many people report building confidence through learning martial arts or excelling at a sport or hobby. Warren Buffett famously attended a Dale Carnegie class when he was young, as did I. Both of us can confirm it teaches you to be confident in front of an audience or during social chit-chat. You can also improve confidence through physical fitness, better sleep, and even breathing exercises

When you enter a social situation, you probably ask yourself two questions: How should I act? How are people judging me? If you knew exactly what to do in each social situation, imagine how much easier everything would be*

The second question is about people judging you. The good news is that if you learn the rules of social engagement (which will happen in the next few minutes), people will be impressed by your poise and judge you kindly

Usual Frame: People have better social skills than I do.
Reframe: I am in the top 10 percent of people with good social skills (after reading this chapter)

Usual Frame: Each person at the gathering is a source of potential embarrassment for me.
Reframe: Each person has a problem (social awkwardness) that I can solve right now.

How to Pick the Right Target for Conversation

If you enter a room and the people already there are mostly paired off or in small groups to converse, you have the extra pressure

Men who are having a high-energy conversation often won’t open their body language and let you in

Women are more likely to open their conversation circle if you make your intentions clear

Look for the strongest social players and approach them first, male or female. You can usually spot them. They are moving effortlessly across small groups and dominating conversations. Strong personalities like meeting new people and enjoy connecting people with others. If you see one of the strong players leave a small group and head for the bar for a refill, consider intercepting.

Look for the awkward loners in the same predicament as you. They would LOVE someone to come up and say hi. The degree of difficulty there is near zero

How to Introduce Yourself

Make eye contact and smile. Extend a hand to shake. Say, “Hi, I’m Scott.”*

Most people will tell you their names as they shake hands. The most socially awkward people will not. If needed, follow up with, “What’s your name?” Speak their name out loud at least once to help you remember. Use it in a sentence if you can, and right away. People love to hear their own names. It’s an easy and instant bonding technique. Be a name-user. This one tip puts you in the top half of talented social talkers.

How to Be Interesting

Are you worried you’re not that interesting? You might be right. Most people are not great conversationalists

you want to ask questions and show interest. You might need to fake your interest for a few questions until you find a topic you both like

Start your question stack roughly in this order: What brings you here? (Or, What is your role today?—Use words to that effect.) Where do you live? Do you have kids? What do you do for a living?*

The reason these questions come first is that the answers are easy

When you introduce yourself and ask questions of a stranger, you are solving the stranger’s biggest current problem: What do I do right now? You can accurately assume most people at social gatherings are struggling to appear socially capable. You can make their part easy

Being a Huge Fake, But in a Good Way

Usual Frame: Be yourself and keep it real.
Reframe: Adjust your communication style for the situation. Once you accept the fact that we are all “acting” to some degree when we communicate, you can go all-in and turn it into a technique.*

How to End a Conversation

Here are three classics that work every time:

Physicality

If you know you look good, you’ll feel less awkward.

Diet and exercise are the most important levers in your life. I don’t know what science says on this topic, but if you get food and fitness under control, I think your improved health and vitality would translate into more confidence in social situations

Have Stories

I recommend framing your experiences—as you have them—in terms of stories you will later tell.  In other words, if something interesting is happening to you, imagine how you would tell the story.

Practice saying the punchline, the big reveal, or the shocking ending in one clean sentence.

Avoiding Stress

I distinguish stress from anxiety because stress usually has obvious causes whereas anxiety can be a general feeling that is immune to what is happening that day

there is at least one class of problems that don’t require you to know which path is best: things you can easily test.

Usual Frame: Is this a good decision? Reframe: Can we test it small?

No One Cares

Start by realizing there are primarily two kinds of people in the world: Bad people who don’t care about you at all, * and . . . Good people who won’t judge you for being human.

Usual Frame: People judge me, so I feel bad when I mess up.
Reframe: People only care about themselves. They don’t care what dumb thing I did recently, even if they mention it

Reducing Stress Is Your Job

This next reframe is logically incompatible with a reframe we already discussed: “Your job is to get a better job.” If the apparent contradiction bothers you, pick the one you like best. If both reframes work for you, use them both. That’s what I do.

*Usual Frame: Stress comes with the job.
Reframe: Reducing stress IS your job. *

When I was in my mid-teens, I realized stress and anxiety would eat me from the inside unless I taught myself how to deal with it. So I started treating stress reduction like a full-time job, and I’m glad I did. Today, I rarely experience any major stress or anxiety

I’ll only go as far as listing all the methods I’ve sampled on my own journey. I do this to make my point that I treat stress reduction as my job or at least a side job.

My Stress Reduction Systems

Here they are: Meditation (in my teens and college years) Yoga Self-hypnosis Physical intimacy (especially with other people) Daily exercise Go to sleep and wake up at consistent times Black-out curtains for the bedroom Healthy diet Frequent walks outdoors Scheduled alone time Change of scenery*

Building a talent stack

The last item on the list requires explanation. You already know that assembling a set of skills makes you highly employable. At a young age, I also realized it’s a great source of comfort. The more skills with commercial value I assembled, the less I worried about my future. I knew I’d be fine no matter where I ended up.

Survivor’s Guilt

The best way to reframe survivor’s guilt depends on your philosophical view of reality. If you believe we are a mechanical world unfolding according to the exact laws of physics, use this reframe. Usual Frame: Why did I survive when others did not?
Reframe: It’s no different from a clock reading 2:00 PM exactly once a day. It is just cause and effect. It has no meaning.

If you have a statistical view of the world, this reframe might work best for you. Usual Frame: Why did I survive when others did not?
Reframe: Every specific thing that has happened to me since birth is extraordinarily unlikely. This is more of that

Usual Frame: I feel a responsibility to hold this guilt.
Reframe: You have my permission to release your guilt

Usual Frame: I feel bad that I was the lone survivor.
Reframe: What would the dead want you to do—suffer or be happy?

Usual Frame: You could have done more.
Reframe: Everyone can do more. It is a meaningless concept.

Usual Frame: Avoid addiction.
Reframe: Choose your addictions wisely.

Look for ways to consciously add positive addictions to your life to crowd out your less-helpful impulses. I recently added learning to play drums to my addiction stack, and I love it. I’m also addicted to waking up early, posting, and exercising regularly

Usual Frame: People with bad judgment often pursue dangerous and unproductive pleasures.
Reframe: People need a minimum level of pleasure to make life worth living, and if they can’t get it safely, they will get it unsafely.

Eventually, I learned willpower isn’t a thing that a human or any other creature possesses. It’s just a way for observers to explain behavior without knowing what is happening in anyone’s brain

Usual Frame: Some people have no willpower. They are weak.
Reframe: Some people get more pleasure from certain vices than you do

explanation of why hypnosis isn’t especially effective for weight loss—it only works when the subject wants the change. And people who “like to eat” don’t want to lose one of their greatest loves

Bad Days

Everyone has bad days, except me. I only have days that are suited for one kind of purpose versus another

if everything goes wrong in my day, I can use that energy to handle the ugly tasks I had been putting off, and that usually works out well. For example, if you are having a bad day anyway, you might as well fire that employee you didn’t want to deal with before